"ALL BY MYSELF..."

So I have a new friend. His name is Loneliness. He’s real popular among the ladies, and comes and goes, but apparently he thinks I’m cool now, so I’m stuck with him. He’s not that much fun though - all we do is sit at home, eat ice-cream, and watch chick flicks. And occasionally we cry ourselves to sleep after drinking a whole bottle of wine...

What’s the deal with being lonely anyway? One minute you’re happy in love with your best friend and then the next minute, he’s your worst enemy. The hanging out stops, the talking stops, and he turns into a jerk…your life is completely altered by a 20 minute conversation. And then you’re just supposed to move on and act like it never happened?! What the heck?! So you turn to your friends. And that’s the thing…I know so many people here that I could easily just show up at their houses or call them up in an instant, but somehow it just seems like there’s no one around! Like I go to a church with 800 cajillion people and I feel like I’m the only one that no one talks to. It’s like, “Don’t kick me outta the group,” but it’s hard for people to do that when I’m not even in the group to begin with! And why is it that when you’re lonely, EVERYONE else you know finds their soul mate all the sudden?! What’s up with that!?

So you’re lonely – and it’s pathetic. No, like really pathetic which makes you feel like a loser which makes you feel more lonely and then you start feeling satisfied that you’re a lonely loser and then you just tell yourself, “hey dude, I gotta embrace this!”

First of all it hits you when you’re driving at night all by yourself and you feel the sudden urge to listen to Delilah on the radio. Next thing you know, you’ve got your hands at 10 and 2, balling your eyes out to “You’ve lost that Lovin’ Feeling” hoping no one sees your mascara running down your face.

Then the pity comments start. You know, the “He said he loved me…” “Why did he have to dump me...?”, “(sniff) What’s wrong with me?” and “I didn’t smell that bad!”

Then the anger starts. “SCREW THE MILITARY!”, “He’s gonna regret this for the rest of his existence…”, “Who’s wears Madris pants?!” and “Whatever… he had big ears…?”

Then the reason starts. “God has a man for me…without issues…”, “Maybe I’ll get a cat…oh wait!” and “Someday my prince will come and I’ll marry him and then divorce him and keep the castle!” (thanks Va!). Right around the time this hits you, Delilah gets a request to play “I Wanna Know What Love Is.” Perfect.

So that’s loneliness. And I know I won’t be lonely forever, it’s just something I gotta go through…you know, to make me stronger or to be a better person or whatever those Self-help-love-crisis books always say….

(...Laugh people, it's not that serious!)

SINGLES AWARENESS DAY

So here it is…another Valentine’s Day and I’m once again alone. “All By Myself” is my theme song today. No flowers. No candy. No man. Just the $5 bill my grandma sent me. Ok, who does that!??! What am I gonna buy with that? A box of tissues to cry my lonely single self to sleep with?!?! Come on!!!

I went to sleep last night looking at someone’s picture and then woke up this morning feeling really depressed. Cause I could’ve actually had a great Valentines Day…for once in my life! But in the end I just wasn’t worth it apparently. So I’m doing what every other self respected single girl does on Valentines Day – GIRLS NIGHT OUT! In the words of Dane Cook, Girls night Out is “I just wanna get in a circle with my friends around our shoes and pocketbooks and just dance…I just gotta dance!!” Well, that’s a little exaggerated, but it’s close. Girls night out is where you and your 5 other single girlfriends get really dressed up and go out to an upscale restaurant and talk crap about guys all night. So lets look at the details, shall we:

1.) Getting really dressed up isn’t really for each other, even though it’s intended to be that way. It’s really for the single guys that go out specifically on Valentines Day to hit on desperate single girls. We gotta look smokin’…even if it’s to impress a d-bag who wears a popped collar polo over a long sleeve t-shirt!

2.) The upscale restaurant is a must. No girl who’s in charge of setting up girls night out calls up her friends and says, “Hey girls, I was thinking Subway for Valentines…lets ditch the guys and eat fresh!!” No…it’s usually like a Chart House or a high end seafood place or some place in Reston Towne Center. It’s the restaurant where all the guys throw down their last month’s paycheck so his girl can get lobster and crème brule. Why does it have to be upscale, you ask? Well just cause we don’t have men doesn’t mean we can’t eat good food tonight either?! This is when multiple appetizers AND desserts are ordered. There’s nothing more attractive than 5 beautiful women stuffing their faces with 2 whole plates of bruschetta and a Great Wall of Chocolate anyway!!! After all, the price doesn’t matter cause you’re worth it and cause, well you know…it’s Valentines Day!

3.) There’s always boy bashing at girls night out! Even though, “It’s just us girls tonight!,” the conversation at the table will always have one topic: Guys. For the most part it’s fun – with a lot of laughter about them and AT them! But then there’s usually one girl who bursts into tears over her latest heartbreak, gulping her 8 dollar glass of Merlot down before the steak even comes. This almost always causes the Samantha of the group to say something like, Screw guys! We don’t need ‘em…! Blah blah blah…lets do a shot! So then girls night out ends up being drunken girls night out and we all know how that ends!!!

So that’s Girls Night Out in a nutshell. It’s the one night that’s meant to be so freeing – but no matter how much fun you have, every girl participating wishes they could really be out with their knight in shining armor. I already have a knight in shining armor - he’s desk-size, he’s cute, he’s furry, and he costs $4.99 at Target!

…YAY for Teddy Bear boyfriends!!

JOB OPENING: ISLAND SOCIAL COORDINATOR

So I’ve become obsessed with something. Yeah, I’ve become obsessed with LOST. Every Wednesday night at 9, I am sitting on my couch with my eyes glued to the TV. And it doesn’t just end for me at 10…it continues the next morning when I get up and leave a little bit earlier so I can catch the “LOST” talk on The Hot Morning Mess with Mark and Chris. And it still keeps continuing when I arrive at work so I can read all the recaps and discussions online. I’ve become a “lost-ie” (that’s groupie for lost.)

So of course I have my favorite characters, like Kate, Jin, Sayid, Jack and Sawyer…and who doesn’t love Hurley! I’d date that big fat squishy guy any day – and he has a million dollars! I often ponder about who I’d rather be on the island with: Jack – the hot scared doctor or Sawyer – the hot convict with a bad attitude. Either way, they both have issues, and I’m tired of dealing with guys who have issues.

I also wonder about what my role would be on the island. Now I know I would never be a Shannon – I’d kill myself if I had to just sit there and cry all day. Plus I don’t have a step-brother to sleep with. I like Kate’s character, but I’m not as brave as her – she volunteers for everything and I don’t really like carrying backpacks around all day. Besides, I could never look as good as she does for being stranded on an island for 2 months. I could probably help Sun with her garden but I don’t have much of a green thumb. Pressing a button in the hatch doesn’t work for me either – I’d probably get rebellious and not type the numbers in just to see what happens…

I’d probably be the social coordinator! I could really put a schedule together and create some fun on the island! I would be responsible for getting everyone’s mind off the fact that they all might die any second from the incredibly apparent island dangers. I could schedule therapy sessions with Libby (the psycho-therapist) for everyone - and for a Social one night, we could do speed dating around the fire. The best event I would plan would be Star Jungle Tours. I could lead them through the jungle to all the hot spots where something happened. Like when we get to the abandoned ship, “This is the black rock where Arnst blew himself up.” Or when we get to the crazy French lady’s camp, “And here’s how we will live if everyone around us dies and we don’t get rescued in the next 16 years.”

I’d be the best social coordinator ever! I’d be in the cool person click along with Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer and Locke. I’d be someone who always knew what was going on…until they kicked me outta the group for killing Ana Lucia….

…I can’t stand that chick!

GROOMING DRAMA

So last night I went to get my haircut. I was proud of myself actually because I didn’t wait another 8 months before getting one – I showed up and CJ actually recognized me this time! [Side note: I love my hairdresser. She’s been cutting my hair since I was in 5th grade!] Now I always get a little nervous when I go get my haircut. I mean I trust her and all, but you never know what could happen. One minute you could have 6 inches, and the next minute you could have 2! Or she stops paying attention during your serious discussion of LOST and she razor chops it - causing everyone around to wonder if you’re batting for the other team. That’s why you don’t go to Hair Cuttery! Believe me, $40 bucks at a real salon/spa is worth not having a bad hair day…everyday!

I can honestly say that last night I was a little more nervous. I walked in and the receptionist told me to go to the back to get shampooed. So I go back and there’s this tiny little woman waiting for me. I started talking with her and she just stares blankly and then after a couple words in Spanish, I realized she can’t speak English. So I just smiled back and asked her to use a Clarifying shampoo, cause it gets rid of the built-up heaviness - especially in my thick mane! When I said that, she looked really confused and then started looking at the different bottles and took about 5 minutes to look under the counters. I wasn’t in a rush or anything, I was just sitting there looking at the woman across from me getting her hair stripped from its natural color. That’s when I got scared.

My mind just started racing with “worst case scenario” thoughts. What if my shampoo lady misunderstood and uses the wrong clarifying shampoo. What if she just doesn’t use a shampoo altogether! What if she takes the same thing the lady across from me has and uses it on my hair and then all the sudden my beautiful natural color is gone! And what if I have a bad reaction to it and I go bald?!?! What the heck?! I seriously was freaking out inside. I looked at the lady and said, “it’s ok, you can just use whatever, it’s fine.” She just smiles and holds up a huge black bottle and nods, signifying that she found the shampoo she was looking for! Oh no. It looked like the same black bottle the lady across from me was using! I started saying a prayer. “Dear Lord, please don’t let my hair fall out…”

I layed back in the sink and flinched when she turned the water on. All the while, I was waiting for some type of stinging sensation or horrid chemical smell. She looked down at me and goes, “Everything ok?” I thought to myself, “oh no, she can tell I’m worried!” Then I realized she was only talking about the water temperature. I told her it was fine and braced myself for the intense chemical treatment my hair was about to endure...

And then nothing. It really WAS a clarifying shampoo. What a relief! And it made my hair smell nice.