SPLISH SPLASH!

You know what’s crazy?! The automatic flushers they have on the toilets in the bathrooms at work. Every time I go in there, it’s quite a surprise! I’m convinced they’re on one minute timers instead of acting off the sensors on the wall. You walk in the stall, “flush.” It’s like it’s saying hello! Then it takes about five minutes to tear off the paper cover and situate it on the seat. “flush.” So you spend another 5 minutes situating another cover because the first one got flushed down with the last. Then it flushes again when you sit down and do your thing. When you’re done, you’re expecting it to actually perform its function when you stand up, but it doesn’t flush! It’s like it’s got a mind of its own and its playing tricks on you! So you stand there staring at the toilet, waving your hands across the sensor, and it still doesn’t do it! You have no choice but to give in and press the manual flush button. What the heck?!

Oh and these are not flushes that you have on your home toilets. No, these are flushes like Niagara Falls has relocated to your bathroom. They’re intense, splashing water everywhere! It’s like Old Faithful coming out of your toilet! Some of my European co-workers call them bidets instead of commodes cause they seriously could do the trick. You gotta be quick! Or else you’ll walk out of the bathroom looking like somebody took a bucket full of water and threw it on you!

In another month, my whole department is relocating to another building. A building that doesn’t have automatic flushers. I hope people will remember to flush, cause those that have been here for years are used to the psycho toilets that do it for them! People won’t know what to do!

The stairwell is directly across from the restrooms and every time I walk by, I always here a toilet flush. Who knows who’s in there? It could be a new employee who isn’t familiar with our high speed porcelain technology or it could be someone who’s been in there for a while and it keeps going off. (ew.) OR! It could be nobody at all…

Yay for the ghost flusher!!

MEOW!

Ok, so what’s the deal with cats? They’re everywhere, its like their taking over the world or something. Cats are devilish little creatures. They’re not like dogs where they want to play with you and be petted, no cats scamper off, roam around the premises, and claw your furniture…even if you’re nice to them! They also have split personalities that change the second you let them out of the house. They can sleep in your lap and you can pet them all day long and be happy and then the next minute you look outside and there are feathers all over your yard and five baby moles lined up in front of your sliding glass door with the cat looking up at you as if he’s saying, “Look what I did!!!”

I have a big fat black cat named Shadow. I’m surprised I still remember the cat’s real name cause my family calls her “Kitty” or just plainly “CAT!” I’ll make an exception for her cause she’s literally the best cat I’ve ever met in my life. All she does is sleep and eat. For real. She weighs about 50 pounds and takes up the whole half of the couch when she sleeps. You would think that we as the humans would make her move, but no, our seating preferences are altered for the sake of the dang cat! Anyway.

So back to my original statement, what’s the deal with cats? I mean when I was in college, all I heard about was that crazy rumor going around campus about the huge cat lair underneath all the academic buildings. There were stray cats everywhere! Along with tame raccoons and squirrels. (I’ll save squirrel stories for another time.) My friend Laura was always talking about this cat lair as if she visited it every day! And she’s the type of person who is really compassionate so it wouldn’t surprise me if she was showing up to the lair to feed them everyday and offer TLC. We always told her it was a rumor, but deep down inside I think we started to believe her.

All you hear about in the news nowadays are the insane, single, middle-aged women who live with a cajillion cats. Seriously! I read about this women who had dead cats all over her kitchen while another half million roamed freely in her house. There were so many cats, that she lived in her car!!! And this is not the only case! They arrested some women in Burke for it the other day! I hope none of my friends ever become crazy cat ladies…there’s one I’m somewhat worried about, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to rescue her from her endless supply of cake frosting instead of digging her out from underneath a bunch of mangy, emaciated cats.

Anyways, it seems to me that this area is overly populated with cats. And not just any cats, but extreme, “I’m gonna take over your life, bow and worship me” cats. It’s starting to become a major concern of mine. That is all.

ADVICE

So on to the bigger and better job which means I have to leave my company now. …Tear…My last day isn’t till next Friday but the people in my department had a congratulations/farewell party for me. And yes, they had pie instead of cake. It was wonderful! Apple, peach, and blueberry pies…plus a cheesecake for those who don’t have an appreciation for the hierarchy of pastries! For an hour, the majority of the department stood around eating pie on my behalf…I felt so loved. I had 2 pieces.

Then they presented me with this awesome foam-core poster with all their pictures on it in the midst of all the graphics artwork I helped work on and digitally imprinted signatures. That’s how we do in Corporate Communications! Yay-a! So professional and so nice. Everyone wrote me little notes of advice next to their pictures. I love the advice part. You know, they were mostly the usual like, “All the best” and “Good luck in all your future endeavors”…that kinda thing. Some people were creative yet genuine like, “Do what you really like and be happy” and the just simply stated, “Learn…live…enjoy!” My division’s director wrote, “Remember us someday when you’re famous!” Maybe she suspected I had a longing to be in the spotlight…who knew?!

Anyway, I appreciate all the advice everyone wrote, but I cherish the advice I got from the department’s two black women. To reflect for a moment, it’s been fun joking around with them and holding my own against their incredibly frank and funny comments about the workplace. One of them even gave me a nickname...yes, because of me being fabulously endowed on my lower half, she dubbed me “Sassy Assy.” I’m going to miss them. So back to their advice. The first one wrote, “You go Miss Sassy A., Remember what I told you always stay true to yourself. Show them what you’re working with and drop it like its hot when necessary.” She’s gonna miss me walking by her office and breaking down with the Beyonce dance! Great advice. The other’s advice I’ll always take to heart, “Enjoy life. Don’t trust know one. Don’t take know sh__.” Now usually they are confident in their vocabulary, but it was nice that she used discretion on my poster. They, along with my great pal Lisa and our two fun loving secretaries, will be missed the most.

All in all, its nice to see how much people appreciate you enough to give you a pie party and a poster that obviously wasn’t created in an hour. People spent time on me. And now at the end of this post, I’ll pass on to anyone who finds my blog somewhat inspiring a piece of advice from one of my fellow coworkers. “Bye!”

HAHA!

Do you think this is funny? I do. Ha!

http://www.nataliedee.com/080705/great-moments-in-literature.jpg

That is all.

A TRIBUTE

I have a question? Why is it that Rob Lowe is in every made-for-TV movie? He is! Haven’t you ever noticed? Just the other day when I was visiting my friends for the sole reason of watching cable television, I was flipping through channels and I swear Rob Lowe was on every single station. I’ll admit it, I stopped on Lifetime where all of their commercial breaks feature their newest dramatic flick. But seriously, it seemed as if Rob Lowe was the only guy they could get to act in these sappy but somehow intriguing low budget movies. There was a preview for a new drama where he was in the very-smart-and-professional-but-too-overly-caring-and-loving-to-realize-my-wife-is-sleeping-around-behind-my-back role. Maybe he thinks that doing made-for-TV movies will do the same for his career as acting in Independent and foreign films. Oh is he so wrong. Poor Rob Lowe.

So when my emotions were satisfied after 30 min. of watching that same Lifetime movie about the pregnant teenager who’s dealing with anorexia and an overbearing and alcoholic mother, I switched channels only to find the movie Tommy Boy was on HBO or something like that. I LOVE THIS MOVIE…”fat guy in a little coat, fat guy in a little coat!” Anyway, Rob Lowe was in this movie too! I had forgotten. What a coincidence.

I kept switching trying to take advantage of having the power to scan through more than 4 channels. Ah, the luxury of cable television. I digress even further. I stumbled upon The West Wing. Great show. Once again I was graced by the presence of Rob Lowe. That’s a serious role working on the staff for the President of the United States. Much different from when he played in Wayne’s World or when he played the young Number 2 in Austin Powers. He definitely spans all genres.

I couldn’t believe that he was on every single channel. It was a Rob Lowe day! And everything I was watching with him in it had production dates that covered about a 10 year radius. The guy never ages! Maybe he uses Noxema, but he looks the same in every single movie or TV show! I swear it’s gonna be the year 2040 and he’s gonna look the same as he did in the “Brat Pack” movies! I’m convinced he’ll outlive us all.

So without further ado, this marks my tribute. This goes out to you Rob Lowe. May you forever entertain us with your smooth skin, great hair, random role, low-budgetedness!

MMM...PIE!

Now, most of my friends already are aware of my obsession with pie, but for those who don't I'll elaborate.

I like pie. Pie is my most favorite dessert. I have a huge sweet tooth and there's something about pie that absolutely satisfies my sugar needs. There's so many elements as well as fillings, it's such an incredible dessert. There's cherry, my preference, apple, blueberry, strawberry, blackberry, peach, raspberry, chocolate, lemon merange, boston creme, cranberry...the list goes on. Lets talk about the design! It's so intricate, with the lattice tops. It requires great skill to weave soft dough on top of a gooey cherry pie filling! (I tried and it didnt come out that great!) But nonetheless, even if the pie comes out of the oven looking like a volcanoe erupted right through it, it still tastes heavenly.

My K2 girls have always made me a birthday pie instead of a birthday cake. I'd pass up a huge hot fudge cake any day for a piece of pie. I'm not so much a fan of the chocolate based desserts, I'm a fruity person. There have been days when I've eaten a whole pie in one day. (This is not normal, I think I was going through some serious emotional issues at the time) But! It's the perfect meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...and snack time!

You know that song, "and I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more..." I think that I would for pie. I've been known to change my plans for the sake of pie. For instance, in college, I would have plans already for lets say a Friday night...when all the sudden, KK and Va call me up and say "hey I'm making dinner come over" I say "Nah, I've already got plans" They say, "we made pie." I say "I'll be right there." And so I made the half mile trek to their apartment and we had pie. It's totally worth it...in the words of Will Ferrell, "IT'S SO GOOD! IT'S SO GOOD WHEN IT HITS YOUR MOUTH!"

Hopefully I'll never have to work for the CIA or in some highly classified job where I know a lot of top secret information. Cause if I ever got captured or abducted by some terrorist, I'd buckle and disclose everything once they brought the pie out.

I think that my friends think my pie craze is humorous and they think that I like all pie. This is incorrect. Only fruit and pudding pies. Meat pies are NASTY!

Ew.

A SERIOUS QUESTION

So you're living life day to day, getting the Blooming Onion at Outback and eating the WHOLE salad at Chilis, when all the sudden you meet a really cool guy in a bar or at Starbucks, or Craigslist or wherever everyone finds the love of their lives these days. Its always fun getting to know each other even though doing the whole dating thing means you order the 9 ounce instead of the 12 at Outback and you take 3/4 of the salad home with you at Chilis. You find, some things are good, some things are not so good.

The good things could be that he's tall, but doesnt have big ears, he actually has some meat on his bones and doesnt dissapear when he stands behind a tree, he's a good kisser, and he likes beer. The not so good things could be that he's balding, has bad teeth, calls you muffin, and thinks Fudruckers is a class-A restaurant. But weighing the pros and the cons...it comes down to the important questions like, "Is this guy going anywhere in life?"

You can sit down and make your good & bad qualities list. Or you could do the man vs. wimp list and see where he stands. I like this list. Some guys you walk by and you just wanna go punch him in the face cause of his nerdiness. I'm talking about those guys that if a Srgt. Major in the Marines ever got a hold of him he would start crying and sucking his thumb. Let me just say that I've dated the dumb, immature, losers before and its very refreshing to now be dating a man! I find satisfaction knowing that my bf can change a tire, drive stick shift, tie a tie (and a bowtie at that!), grill a big piece of meat and most importantly, build a fire.

A wise college student once raised the question to us women after completing building the most amazing toasty fire in the fireplace, "Ladies, do you really wanna be with a man who can't build a fire?"

Think about it.

DO YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE?

I strongly feel that people should be required to pass a separate driving test in order to drive on Interstates 66, 495, 95, and 395...and maybe sometimes Rt. 7. I mean what's with all the psycho drivers lately? You know, the ones who still go 80 miles an hour in bumper to bumper traffic swerving in and out of lanes, cutting you off, and then slamming on their brakes for no apparent reason. Or how bout the people who go too slow...I'm talking 35 miles an hour on 66. Who goes 35 miles an hour on 66!?

Not only should people have a separate license, but Cops are a serious traffic issue. I mean half of the traffic problems come from cops pulling people over at the height of rush hour. And you'de think that people are used to seeing blue light specials along the side of the road, but no, they really havent, so everyone sloooooowwws down to about 5 miles an hour "just to make sure everything's ok!" What could the cop possibly be pulling them over for? I know its not speeding! Who can speed during rush hour in the midst of nonmoving cars spanning 4 lanes? Oh wait, it's those psycho people I was talking about earlier.

So why is there always traffic? I feel like sometimes when I'm sitting on 66 at 2:34 p.m on a Sat. being blinded by the sun in my face, that people dont have anything else to do in their spare time but cause traffic. It's like they're bored at home and think, "what can I do today?" And then they have an epiphany..."I KNOW! I can go driving on 66!" What the heck?! Where can all these people possibly be going?! But then you look to your right and your left as you creep along and my theory is proved...these people are in their own little worlds. They enjoy sitting in traffic. It's becomes a necessesity in their life. Cause apparently your car is the only place where you can be invisible to the outside world looking in. I sit in traffic every morning and every evening to and from work and I witness hundreds of things that these people do but think no one can see. You know, things like picking of the noses, singing "Forever Young" at the top of your lungs, talking to themself in the rearview mirror or some other things that require two people that only the HOV riders have the privaledge of doing...

Anyway, besides the very temporary entertainment that I get from watching other weird psycho drivers, traffic sucks, not like anyone doesnt know this already, but it does. And I'm not one of those psycho bad drivers.

Ask me about my car accident yesterday...