RING RING!

Here’s another thing that burns me up…telemarketers. I feel like dealing with telemarketers is the equivalent of waiting at the DMV as far as my patience goes. I can’t stand telemarketers.

There I am, watching my show…when I hear the phone ring. Now usually I’d screen my calls and not pick up when the caller ID says “1-800-I’m about to bother you,” but in this case last night, the caller ID said something that actually looked like a residence. It was my roommates birthday so I’m figuring it’s someone calling her. No. “Hi is Sara there…” “No this is her roommate Amy,” “Hi Amy I’m calling to let you know that we’re sending 150 issues of Red Book, Cosmo, Glamour, and Vogue to your address…” “Did she order those, cause I don’t think she did.” “What we’re doing is sending out…” “Uh…no…sorry not interested.” “But this is for a…” CLICK! Seriously…what the heck are we gonna do with 150 issues of each magazine?! What is anyone gonna do with 150 issues of 4 different magazines!?

Its like all telemarketers go to a telemarketing school where they get their degree in annoyance. It’s there they learn all the rules, like “Always call at dinner time” and “Never take no for an answer.” They take different classes like, “Persistance 101,” and sit through topical seminars such as, “Removing numbers off the Mailing List” and “Coping with the fact that nobody likes you.”

Everyone’s familiar with the credit card people. Why would I want to change to a new credit card…if I was unhappy with the old one, I wouldn’t have it! I love the ones who introduce themselves with some excitement and always ask how I’m doing today. Like asking me that is gonna persuade me to buy $300 worth of beauty products. What about the ones that keep talking over you or keep trying to sell even after you’ve told them 5 times already that you’re not interested? I’m sure they’re still pitching the sale 10 min. after I hang up! I also love the ones that talk a mile a minute. These are the people that know their job sucks and try to fit the whole sales pitch in at once so you don’t say no without hearing the whole thing. They get it all out and are hanging on to that last bit of hope…but no, I make them hang up the phone looking as if I shot their dog.

I’m actually curious to know how productive telemarketing really is. I mean, I’ve never bought anything through a telemarketer and all the people I know have the same feelings I do about telemarketers. Who are the idiots buying from and humoring the telemarketers enough so that the problem continues?!

I think it’s crazy cat ladies.

JUST REMEMBER...YOU'RE THE GLUE!

Ok, this is getting a little old…I’m really tired of being bored at work. All I do is wake up at the crack of dawn, dress like I’m going to the White House or something, sit in half hours worth of traffic, drink crappy coffee all for the sake of what?! NOTHING! I sit in my desk all day long and count the hours down till 5:00. My job is so freakin easy. What happened to the challenge? There’s no excitement…how do people do this for a career?

I have nothing against administrative professionals (cough, secretary, couch). I was told in my personal best class that “we’re the glue.” We hold everyone in the company together, cause no one else knows how the heck to do anything themselves! But some admin’s I’m finding are freaking out over things that just aren’t that serious. I mean honestly, heaven forbid there be only 4 computers in the storage room instead of 5! “We’re low on ammo!, we don’t have enough Post-It Notes! Quick! Order more! INCOMING FROM OFFICE MAX!” Chill out! You’ve got a full 8 hour uneventful day to order all the sharpie pens you want!

Seriously…I really want to know if everyone else on my floor is actually working. I mean when you walk by offices, everyone looks as if they’re working…but are they really? It seems a little suspicious that the back of everyone’s computer screen is facing towards the door. That’s how they get around it! No one can see what their doing! There’s no way you can work busily for 8 hours a day, I sure as heck don’t! I’m lucky if I can do a full 3 hours of work each day! I wonder what other people look at or what they surf the web for. I check my gmail account every 10 seconds just in case somebody sent me an email just then. I also check the usuals, bank accounts, credit card accounts, Nataliedee.com, drudge report, and theonion.com.

But those only last for so long until you’re bored again. You could take your hour lunch break…but then you don’t cause you don’t want to be here an hour longer than when you could actually leave if you didn’t take one. So you’re stuck…not just bored, but starving and bored. I try to keep myself occupied by checking the mail. It comes twice a day, but I definitely check it about every 45 min. I know I know, its aweful.

I try and ask other people if they need anything or if they have anything I can do for them. It’s always the same, “No, that’s ok, I’m fine.” And if they do need something, it’s not to work on the billion dollar contract, its “hey can you order me some white 4x6 note pads?” Its like they think that will take all day for me to do. But I do it. It takes me 3 minutes at the most, and then I’m bored again…

That’s when I go ride the elevators for an hour…

I'M BACK IN CLASS!

Because I'm a new employee at my company, I'm required to take all of these intro training classes. This means I have to drive to Mclean on 66 and be there by 8 am for the complimentary breakfast. I have to attend 2 two-day classes called "Performance Warmup" and "Personal Best." I think they should be called, "Performance waste of your time" and "Kindergarden 101." The more I work in the real world, the more I realize that companies train you as if you're a complete moron! I mean seriously how hard is it folks?!

So I show up yesterday to Performance warmup thinking it is gonna be a long two days. Turns out the class had started on Monday and I just didn't show up for it. Yeah, good 'ol Columbus day screwed me up, so I'm thinking the class started on Tuesday. I didn't care, I had fun in South Carolina! This class was aweful. I'm sitting knee to knee with 3 other people at this tiny table crammed in the back of a classroom that's full capacity was probably 30 people. Yeah, there were definitely 50 people in that room! Most of the people in attendance were consultants. I'm an admin. I've been doing most of the stuff the instructor went over since day one. Everything she said was "Now this program is a little tricky..." and "I had a hard time learning this one." Give me a break. All I wanted to do was stand up and make an announcement, "Excuse me folks, it's really not that serious!"

Why is it that every type of training class I go to, I'm always at the rebel table? You know, the table with all the people that really don't want to be there and think that anyone who asks questions is a loser. I love being at this table! I feel as though I instigate extreme sarcasm and funny comments about people that really don't know whats going on. So all I did yesterday was talk with the other 3 people at my table about how stupid the guy in the blue tie is for asking why you're supposed to charge your training time to a training number and making fun of the speaker who looks like Mr. T but talks like Mike Tyson.

So today rolls around. New class. This means new people. Of course there's some dumb networking, ice-breaker game where you introduce yourself and tell everybody one thing about you that you know no one cares about but act like they do. I'm meeting the other 3 people at my table and I swear it was so comical. Again I'm at the rebel table. There's the one girl who told me her whole life story of meeting her husband in Vegas, getting married in Vegas and then getting pregnant in Vegas all before telling her mother. After she was done, I turned to introduce myself to the next guy hoping to find someone more normal, but I was scared of him. You know how you can associate an animal with somebody - yeah this guy was definitely Mufasa from The Lion King! I thought I was gonna hear him roar when he opened up his mouth, but all he did was yawn. This guy had such cool looking dreds that stretched all the way down his back and he was actually really nice. He was in my Performace Warmup class and we both made fun of the Mike Tyson dude together. The girl next to me was from Africa and was cool, but I have no clue what she was wearing. I hope she paid attention when we discussed business dress code.

The last part of the day was spent doing some dumb communication game, where one person draws what the other person describes. Developing professional skills?! More like developing motor skills! There were different colored markers and different colored paper, sticky notes, you name it - it was colored! And I swear, how many breaks do people need during the day? I felt like every 5 min. people needed a break! I seriously felt like I was back in kindergarden. I have a college degree, lets cut the BS.

I look forward to tomorrow where I can sit for another 8 hours listening to (or not listening that is) mindless, useless, and rediculously boring information that I will never be able to apply in the job I have now. Are we all doomed to corporate classes forever?!

I'll ask Mufasa...

"FREAKIN IDIOT!"

Ok lets all say it…I’m an idiot. Let me give you a couple of examples why this is true:

Example one: I move into my new apartment and get settled and everything. Andrew’s fantastic mother was so nice to go out of her way and buy me a housewarming gift. It was a lovely plate and a nice smelling candle. I loved it, and I quickly wrote a thank you note expressing my gratitude. I’m thinking I did the right thing and I wanted to show them that I had class by personalizing the card and writing about each item she gave me. So then the weekend comes…Andrew comes up and tells me, “oh yeah, I talked to my mom and she said thank you for the nice note you wrote them but to tell you that it’s soap not a candle. Don’t light it or anything.” I THOUGHT IT WAS A CANDLE! What did I forget how to read? I looked again and the words “Pumpkin Soap” are written right on the top of the package! It’s SOAP! I’m supposed to go to South Carolina this weekend with Andrew to go see his parents...I’ll probably have to prove myself all over again. Good luck to me.

Example two: I’m driving along the interstate with my sister this Friday – well, not really driving. More like parking cause the traffic was so bad, I wasn’t even going 5 miles an hour. Anyway. There was a cop riding his motorcycle in the shoulder lane. He passes us and drives up a ways and starts looking at people’s windshields. I was like, this guy is bored and he’s gonna bust somebody. Yeah the minute I creep up to where he is all I hear is “doooooo” (Siren sound) and he points at me to pull over. Betsy starts flipping out cause nothing like this ever happens to good ‘ol Betsy…only me. I pull over and I ask him what the problem is. “You’re inspection sticker is overdue. You’ve had over a month to get it done, you have no excuse, you’re getting a ticket.” I look at the sticker…8 – 05. AUGUST! I didn’t even realize! It's now October! It’s been expired for over a month now! What the heck, where was I?! Thank God it was only a $30 ticket…and I don’t get any points or anything on my driving record. But seriously, what am I losing my mind?

I know no one is perfect, and we all make stupid mistakes, but come on…what the crap? I’m losing it and you know who’s fault it is? The five Mexicans that live below me. Their loud stupid music is keeping me up at night and throwing me off my normal rocker.

Oh yeah and I still haven’t gotten my inspection done…

PUNGENT ODORS

You know what’s funny? The Corporate world. For the past year and a half now, I’ve been a part of Corporate America; waking up at 6 am, wearing business suits, sitting in traffic, living in a cube, surviving through Outlook email and counting down the hours till lunch and 5 o’clock. I’ve gotten used to it although, I’d still rather be in college…working sucks!

Anyways, I’ve noticed a lot of weird things about working in a corporate office. The smells. There are so many distinct smells in this building, its crazy! I usually get in the office around 8 am. Upon walking in the building, I’m asphyxiated immediately by a mixture of potent perfume and cologne lingering off the 50 million other people in the elevator. Thank God I only work on the 3rd floor! These people definitely like to smell nice…but when you cram in a small space like that, the fumes are overpowering!

When I get to my desk, (btw, I work on the other side of the community kitchen) the coffee aroma is in the air. This smell is actually nice, it’s warm and welcoming in the morning. Not at 3 o’clock in the afternoon after a full pot has been there all day cooking on the heater! This smell makes me wanna throw up! Then around 10 am, it’s leftover pizza. Who’s eating pizza at 10 am? It’s the corporate thing to do I guess.

There’s other unpleasant smells like burnt popcorn. I’m convinced that no one on this floor went to college. If you went to college, you know how to make microwave popcorn! Why is it so hard?! Thats the one thing you shouldn’t be able to screw up. It’s probably some cool corporate thing that everyone knows about that I haven’t jumped on the bandwagon yet. (I’m still a rookie! Don’t kick me outta the group!)

The worst smell ever was a couple weeks ago. It was around 2:30 or 3 in the afternoon. All the sudden, the halls are inundated with a terrible fish smell. We all know seafood has a particular smell, but whatever this person was eating definitely smelled like it had been caught LAST year and been sitting in a trash can ever since. It was so bad! It started in the kitchen and lingered down the hallway back to their office. People started coming out of their offices with their noses turned up. One of the other employees felt nauseous and made me call security! The facilities guys were sent to take care of this awful scent filling the hallways. We were surrounded by it, they thought it was coming out of the vents! So they follow the trail down the hallway to where the infested office was and told him all these safety precautions to use when disposing of his grotesque lunch and went on their way, warning us to walk the hallways at our own risk and letting us know to “stay away from THAT room…” So when they leave, I look down the hallway at the quarantined office…

Yeah, definitely my boss’. Hmmm.