MARC HETTI

So I have a new friend. He’s a pretty cool dude – here’s some random facts about him: He lives in Maryland, drives a Corvette, has an obsession with kissing, and did his first beer bong last Saturday. Ok, enough details. The miscommunication that occurred when I first met him was pretty funny, so I’ll share.

Background: He’s a mutual friend of a lot of my friends, so I met him through them…and one in particular, Amanda, who’s he dating. [Virtual Shout-out to Amanda Glazebrook here.] Pay attention, he was introduced to me as Mark Hetti. So he was hanging around more and more and people always called him Mark Hetti but sometimes I’d get confused, cause certain people would call him Michael. I always just blew it off as if it was an inside joke that I wasn’t in the loop about. I was positive his first name was Mark so I always called him Mark….followed by what I was confident his last name was, Hetti. And I wanted to be cool like everyone else who refers to ALL their friends by their first and last name [cough…Amanda Glazebrook…cough…] Ok well not really, but Mark Hetti was a cool name to say – it just rolls right off the tongue.

Anyways!

Then things started getting inconsistent. Like the same people who called him Marc Hetti started switching things up and called him Michael a lot too. So when all my friends were hanging out one day, I finally asked him, “Why do people call you Michael?” And everyone just kinda stopped and laughed, and he replied, “Um…cause that’s my name.” and I said, “No it’s not, your name’s Mark.” And he goes, “No its not, it’s Michael.” “What? Then why does everyone call you Mark Hetti?” And he laughs and says, “That’s my last name.” I was so confused. “My name is Michael Marchetti.”

It was so funny…all that time I had been thinking his full name was Marc Hetti when really his name was Michael Marcetti. That was right after I died my hair blonde, so obviously it sunk in to the point where all abilities on my part to distinguish people by their correct names were lost. I felt like an idiot!

…but I still call him Marc.

WHAT WAS SO GREAT ABOUT OREGON ANYWAY?

Remember MS DOS? And classroom apple computers? There was always one per room but your teacher only let you use it like once during the whole 4th grade year! I loved drawing in “KidPix” and playing old school computer games like, “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego” and “Donkey Kong.” But hands down, my favorite computer game to play was "Oregon Trail."

"Oregon Trail" was the coolest game I think I still have ever played. I played it so much, I probably could've gotten carpal tunnel. The graphics were so old school, but it didn’t matter, cause you had a goal…and that was to get to Oregon! Unlike today’s kids games, where the learning factor overpowers the fun, "Oregon Trail "slipped bits of history into the game without you really knowing. Like what Chimney Rock looked like and what the meaning of typhoid, dysentery and cholera all meant. What it didn't explain though was why they were all trying to go to Oregon? I mean what was so great about it anyway? I understand the need to go west, but it seems to me there were better states than Oregon to settle in. I didn't really care at that point, cause I was too busy trying to buy supplies and food from the nice bald merchant with the pipe and glasses.

I was always the banker. I found that I always survived longer as the banker cause I had more money to buy food and supplies. I learned this because I was the farmer once and somehow my wagon axles had broken, and my oxen and whole entire family had died from either snake bites or broken bones within the first 5 min. of the game. The Trail was rough…I think I only made it to Oregon like once. And I remember being really disappointed, cause it was just some kinda “congratulations you made it to Oregon without dying” message, with a graphic of a prosperous town and people coming out of the city in their bonnets and baskets to welcome me.

I got to the point where I was perfecting the game. I got really good at hunting. You’d see a one dimensional dude (which was you) and then you’d see one-dimensional deer and buffalo pop out behind the one-dimensional trees, rapidly moving across an utter black-ground. My problem wasn’t running out of food…it was that I had too much food and it spoiled. I’d pass all the landmarks like Fort Laramie and Independence Rock, but I’d always…ALWAYS die trying to ford the river. I probably should have paid for the ferry but I was a risk taker and I usually had a kid who was dying of some horrible sounding disease. I’d get half way and then sure enough, I’d see the pixilated blue-ness engulf my little wagon.

Oh well…… “Play Again.”

TO THE MEN IN 3125

To the men in 3125

Ok, so I know I’ve already written an ode to the man in 3127…but my hall has more than one weirdo and I just got inspired.

Dear Guy #1 in 3125,

I guess it’s been over a year since we first started working together, and I must say it’s still just as weird to pass you in the halls or make direct eye contact with you. I enjoy the humor you add to my day as you purposely take the stairs just to avoid riding in the elevator with me – I guess its better we don’t, we might not have anything to talk about during 30 seconds it takes to get to the 3rd floor. Along with most everyone else on the floor, you seem to think I double as the Help Desk. I really appreciate your confidence in me to fix the copier, the fax machine and the color printer. I wouldn’t have ever acquired the skills relevant to a printing technician if it hadn’t been for you using the one and only color printer to print everything from a 300 page word document to your mortgage status. Which by the way, looks like it’s time to re-finance. I think you’re a great example of someone who has become an expert with MS Outlook. I mean, why come all the way over to my desk 5 ft. away from your office when you can just email me multiple times about the broken color printer that actually just happens to be out of paper. Yep, you’ve got email pretty much down, I don’t think I remember what your voice sounds like anymore. I’ll wrap up my appreciation letter by saying, it’s ok to ignore all my administrative emails. After all, it’s not like I do it because I’ve been tasked by our boss. I, like yourself, am obsessed with sending emails for no apparent reason. You must’ve figured me out since the follow up flag and the high priority mark weren’t a concern to you. It’s ok…I’ll just BCC our boss from now on mmmkay?

Pleasantly annoyed,
Amy

Dear Guy#2 in 3125,

I love how you express loyalty and admiration to me being in this particular job position. I mean, it does my heart good to see you waiting at my desk patiently for me to get off the phone. Most everyone else just walks away – I don’t know, it’s like they think I’m busy or something. You and I…we’ve been on the same team since as long as we’ve both been hired, and yet you give my name to candidates coming in to interview with the recruiting team my name and number as a POC. It shows you think my customer service skills are excellent and that I can handle a future employee calling me up complaining that she’s been in the interview room for 30 minutes and no recruiter has shown up. And about the projector. I absolutely love being tracked down upon its arrival. It doesn’t matter where I am…whether it be the kitchen, the 2nd floor eatery, coming out of the bathroom…there you are with the projector, ready to turn in. That way it’s in my hands and I won’t find it on my desk chair right? I’d like to address a habit of yours dealing with the printer. It seems as if you share your officemate’s desire to print your whole entire hard drive on the color printer. And while your officemate’s issue is jamming…yours is low toner. Can I just say that it is necessary for my whole day to stop when the toner becomes low. Because I’m the only one on this floor with two legs that is capable of walking downstairs to the supply room to get more toner. I’m so grateful for the privilege I have to replace the color toner twice a day! I am now able to include that on my resume that I happen to be updating as I write you this letter because you know…working with someone like you just makes my job that much more worth it!

Joyfully agitated,
Amy

WORK SCHMERK!

So I guess the reason why I haven’t written in so long is because I lost my inspiration. I don’t know why, it just seemed as though there was nothing worth writing about. But alas, I have this new found passion that flows deep within…not of joy but of hate. I’m talking about my job, folks.

I hate working. Am I forever destined to work in this stupid job? I’ve lost all motivation to get up in the morning to come to work. On Monday, my alarm went off and I just rolled over and went back to sleep. And what is this 9-5 crap anyway? I think I would like my job a whole lot more if business hours were, lets say from 10 am to 3:30 pm. That way, I could show up at 10:30 am and leave at 2! That would be the ideal, but its not just about the hours…

I just don’t like to work. I’d rather be volunteering or traveling the world to cool places I’ve never been before. So it’s either I find a sugar daddy or win the lottery. And by the way, I actually looked up the website for the Virginia lottery. It’s up to $122,000,000. Oh my gosh, I could win that!!! But anyways…Its not that I don’t ever want to work, its that I need to find a new job.

So the other day, I told myself, “Ok stop complaining and get crackin’.” So I pulled up my resume and started to update it…but then found THERE’S NOTHING TO UPDATE! I’ve been in this job for more than a year and I’ve acquired no new skills. That’s bad. The only thing I added to it was my promotion they gave me at my year assessment. How sad is that?! Professionally, I’m going down the tubes! So I tried to think of anything I’ve done within the time I’ve been here that I could overly exaggerate with big words to sound substantial. But seriously how many different ways can you say, “Orders office supplies,” to make it sound the least bit interesting.

Too bad I can’t add the things that I’ve REALLY learned while being here. Things like the best Hollywood gossip websites, the Drudge Report’s daily political stance, and what I want my engagement ring to look like. Oh and I’ve also become an expert at Sudoku!

THE BEST E.A. EVER!

I guess I’ve proved myself worthy as an admin now since the Executive Assistant to my boss’ boss called me to fill in for her in Mclean while she was away all week. My boss’ boss’ name is Steve. So I had to work at headquarters all last week in Tysons Corner sitting at the Executive Assistant’s (Linda’s) desk. I was a bit nervous at first – not that it was hard (are you kidding me?) or that I was intimidated by all the rich mahogany office furniture, but I was in with the big guys…the head Partner was right around the corner! Anyway, everything went fine, aside from a few minor things I had to get myself through….

The first day of taking care of Steve, I got there early after battling traffic for 45 minutes, talked to everyone real quick and then opened up his Outlook calendar. Let’s just say Steve’s a busy man with appointments back to back. So the day is going, and I’m doing a great job and all when the phone rings. It’s a guy named Chuck Taylor and he had a lunch appointment with Steve in like 15 minutes. He told me his car had just been hit by a V-Dot truck and it’s going to take forever to get all the legal stuff worked out cause it’s a government vehicle and all. So I told him I’d let Steve know and he hung up. So then I call Steve:

“Hi Steve, it’s Amy – I was just calling to let you know that Chuck Norris cancelled the lunch appointment for today…”
“Chuck ….NORRIS?”

I was mortified. I kept going as if nothing happened.

“I mean, Chuck Taylor - he got hit by a V-Dot truck”
“Chuck Norris got hit by a V-Dot truck?”

I couldn’t believe it – I was so embarrassed.

“I mean his car got hit by a V-Dot truck – but he’s ok, he wants you to call him on his cell phone.”
“Ok….I’ll give Chuck Norris a call….”

Hanging up the phone, all I could do was laugh at myself – I kept thinking I should have carried it on as if I had meant to play a joke, “Yeah, Chuck Norris is canceling the appointment because he’s too busy round-house kicking the V-Dot truck driver into oblivion.” But you have to understand Steve…very serious, all business/no play kinda guy. None-the-less, I made my mark on the first day.

That was Friday – next came the weekend, which was real fun. I knew I was supposed to be back in Mclean helping Steve again on Monday and Tuesday so that was in the back of my mind all weekend. So it’s Monday and I wake up on my own at 8:45 in the morning. PANIC! “WHAT?! Why didn’t my alarm go off?!!?!” I was supposed to be there at 8:00! I started throwing on my work clothes and running around like crazy. I had my badge on and was calling people at the office – no one was answering their phones!! “Where is everyone? Why is no one at their desk!?” So I’m running out the door and notice there’s a heck of a lot of cars out in the parking lot for it to be Monday morning at almost 9am. Then it hits me….”It’s Sunday…” The feeling of relief was awesome…I was just glad I had a second chance! On the real Monday morning, I had to explain why there were panic messages left on peoples voicemail….

So then its Tuesday and by that time I had gotten the hang of it, being in the office handling everything. And then I notice on Linda’s desk, tucked behind some stacks of files, she has those “Mr. Sketch” smelly markers. You know, those markers you were addicted to smelling in grade school. Everyone always wanted to smell the licorice for some reason. I guess those were the days before people started sniffing glue or white out. Anyways – I pulled them out and started smelling them. “mmm…cherry…” Then the other EA joined in and goes, “Give me the orange one.” Then Rosie, the head EA to our head Partner came over and started sniffing as well. Markers were being passed right and left…then…Steve walks out of his office and catches us. I don’t really remember how it came to be, but I look up and Steve is smelling the markers too, “Ah….that smells nice…” We all died laughing.

So yeah – I got to be in the shoes of an Exec. Assistant for about a week. I didn’t want to have to say this but, I’m kind of a big deal…people know me now.

And when I got back to Dulles this week, I ordered my own smelly markers!

LONG WEEKEND CRAZINESS

So, I know its been a while since I’ve written, but I had to write about the crazy Memorial Day Weekend I had. First of all, I’d like to start out with a random funny joke I heard from a stand up comic. “So my dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps….he died in quicksand.” ….Love it!

Ok so Friday, I went over to TGI Friday’s with Amanda and lets just say we took full advantage of the Happy Hour. We both gourged on wings and potato skins and a couple beers and managed to ring up a tab of a whopping 12 dollars! Then I went to Kristina’s apartment and watched Old School and then we spent the rest of the night talking about how the military guys we love would rather be with the Uncle Sam they love instead of the fabulous girls we are. The way girls’ lonliness and heartache feed off of one another is amazing and pretty humorous cause we were laughing all night.

Next came Saturday. Saturday morning, I went to the gym, then went tanning, then all the sudden decided to make a full gallon of Sangria. I made so much I had to go out and buy a “cooler” to transport it. So I took it over the girls bbq and it was a good time. People hanging out, eating, drinking my Sangria. So then day turned to night and we’re sitting outside and all the sudden the Bulgarian neighbors show up. Yeah, Bulgarians – as in 7 Bulgarians living in a 2 bedroom apartment, all working as lifeguards down the road. One of them was a masseuse and gave me a hand massage and proceeded to teach me how to speak Bulgarian. All I really remember was the word for “Cheers” and that you have to look them in the eye when you say it. “Nasdravay” Hurray for being cultured!! Then they wanted to know the American word for “drunk.” So an hour later after “wasted” “blitz” and “inebriated” had all been said, the night started dying down.

Sunday, Va calls me from the girls place and says she needs to be taken home and that I have to help her break into her place cause she doesn’t have her keys and Amanda was on a special date or something like that. So I pick her up, and we call a locksmith. Ok, four hours later we’re still outside waiting for the freakin’ locksmith. So we battle the day-laborers hanging out by the 7-11 and get Slurpies. By the way, I love strutting my stuff in front of 25 unemployed short Mexicans yelling, “hey, ese!” Too bad I don’t have a fence to paint or anything like that. Anyways, the Locksmith finally came and was literally there for 2 minutes, not even. He charges Va 150 dollars to pick a lock that we had already gotten loose by kicking the door multiple times like we were Chuck Norris or something. We overestimated ourselves.

So then I rush home, shower and head to DC for the Memorial Day Concert with my small group girls and the guy’s small group. It was awesome! There were tons of people and important folks there. By the middle of the concert, all of us girls were balling thinking about certain someones who are already in Iraq or soon to be in Iraq – the concert was moving hands down. The military service medley was played and we had fun with that. I sang the whole Army song! So after that, we walked around DC and saw the monuments and all the stuff people left on them. We went to the Vietnam Memorial and bumped into Big and Rich. Yeah, just walked right up and with the embarrassing persuasion of one of the guys with us, they took a picture with us. I’d have rather taken a rain check on saving the horse and riding the cowboy if ya know what I mean…nothing like disturbing the quiet somber environment of the wall on Memorial Day by yelling to celebrities for a daggon picture! Gees.

So Monday. Monday I woke up in cold sweats and puked everywhere on the account of some serious woman pain. And then I did nothing all day. It was nice until about 8 o’clock that night when I hear that my friend Kristina is in the ER for stomach pain. So I go over there and wait and wait and wait as she does test after test after test. I slipped out around 3 am and went to the 7-11 to get coffee. Of course I’m the only one in the store and it’s painfully silent as I could feel the foreign cashier’s eyes glaring at me like he was happily waiting to make an emergency police call. I get up to the register and expect him to start ringing but Habib kept looking at me like he was about to ask, “Did you want to pull a gun on me too?” When he finally asked me if that was it, I wanted to be like, “Just the coffee, oh and this AK-47…” He then berated me for charging a $1.50 coffee to my credit card. I stopped and just gave him my WTF face…“Are you serious? It’s 3 am, there’s no judgment at 3 am…” He stopped talking to me after that probably in fear that I really did have a gun. So upon returning to the hospital, all the nurses decided to show me exactly how much they hate their jobs by snapping at me. Late night drama – it’s the best thing in the world. So, finally all the tests were done and the cat scan and ultrasound were perfectly fine so they sent her home at 5 am. So we get in the car, Kristina is about to pass out again, all I'm trying to do is drive her home, but some moron decides to double park and block me in. So here it is 5:15 in the morning, and I'm pulling an Austin Powers, driving 2 inches, then reversing for 1, then driving 2 more inches, all the while laughing hysterically because it's 5:15 and our sleep was continuing to be limited by my driving skills. 15 minutes later, I finally got out of my space and I drove her home. And pretty much I slept till 9 and got into work around 10 yesterday.

So, I guess you could say I had a really eventful, interesting, and emotionally packed weekend.

AIRPORT PERSONALITIES

It’s amazing how many cool people you meet when you go to things where you have to travel. I’m not really a fan of airports, but I’ve met my fair share of interesting people there…and I came across a few this weekend when I went to my friends’ wedding in Michigan.

For example, on Friday, I got to the airport, sat next to some guy on the plane that smelled like urine and sat for a while in Cincinnati where my layover was. It was crowded as anything, so everyone was sitting shoulder to shoulder in those weird sticky pleather seats. Being the communications major I am, I started to talking to this guy sitting next to me. Why? Cause he had a fuzzy beard down to his chest like an Amish guy!!! But I knew he wasn’t Amish cause he had a cell phone and was holding an Organic Chemistry text book. (Amish folks haven’t picked up on our latest communicative technologies and they grow all their stuff so they probably know all the secrets of the earth and don’t need to study modernized courses such as organic chemistry.) We talked about Daylight Savings time - He was a cool guy.

I get on the plane to Lansing that night and I was kinda tired from working all day and it being pretty late at night. All I wanted to do was close my eyes. BUT NO! Some girl, who was kicked out of Air Force basic training sits right in front of me and feels the need to vent. And it couldn’t be someone who quietly strikes conversation. This girl, first of all had a thick Irish accent, but claimed she was from Minnesota...?!?!?! and she spoke like she was screaming into a freakin’ megaphone!! This chick turns to me and goes, “DON’T EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE AIR FORCE!” I assured her I wouldn’t cause I thought they all were pansies. Then she says that its her service and they kicked her out of basic training cause she hurt her knee or something minor like that. Then she continues to tell me how hard core the Air Force is cause she had to do this and that and whatever…and she kept asking me if the Army/Navy/Marine Corp does things as hard as the Air Force does. She goes, “Can you believe they have Sgt. Majors living in Duplexes!? That’s rough!” I was like, “Bitch please!” …Ok, not really. But I told her that OFFICERS in the Army live in Duplexes and that the Air Force provides the best luxuries as far as bases and living quarters. I was like, “Believe me…you guys have it made…” She couldn’t see it…and that’s usually the case with Air Force, always complaining about how hard their slack is…

So on the way back, I caught a standby flight into Detroit. Just as we were boarding, Ms. USA WORLD 2006 walks up to the gate in her sash, 3 foot high crown, and 4 inch plastic tacky looking heels. Seeing as how it was like 3:00 pm…in LANSING, Michigan…it seemed too far fetched to conclude she had actually just won the crown. And I’ve heard of Ms. USA and Ms. America but I’ve never heard of Ms. USA WORLD?! What the heck?! I walked behind her and looked at her crown – and when I say it was tall, I mean it could’ve knocked her over – seriously, it looked like she got this thing at the dollar store! It was adjustable in the back like a daggon baseball cap! And the back didn’t have diamonds, it was plastic and the front of it had those little beaded sequence things that are supposed to look like jewels. For all I know she probably hot glued those suckers on there!!! I wasn’t buying her fake smile either. I wanted to grab the intercom from the flight dude calling the rows boarding and yell, “Ladies and Gentleman, now boarding Wannabe Ms. America…please join me in congratulating her on her fraudulent efforts!!! HURRAY!!” So we’re boarding and she ends up sitting in the back of the coach seats with all the un-beautified average poor folks! I laughed to myself wondering if this was for real…when all the sudden the MALE stewardess…oops I mean “Flight attendant” walks back to her and goes, “there’s an extra seat in First Class, would you like to sit there?” What moron isn’t gonna go sit in First Class?!? So she walks up the aisle, her crown scraping the top of the plane, smiling and nodding at everyone. Faking your way as a beauty queen to get bumped to first class...

that must have been her talent...