I'D RATHER BE IN TRAFFIC ON 66!

Because I’m about to be 23 and no longer a dependent of my father, I had to change my car registration from my father’s information to my new address here in Fairfax. This required me to go to hell on earth: The DMV. I was dreading it all the way there. I could just picture my Friday night spent waiting in an uncomfortable plastic chair surrounded by smelly people listening to the automatic number caller and little kids screaming at the top of their lungs. What’s the deal with this place anyway?!

So I get there, of course there’s a line out the door! I wanted to make sure I couldn’t do it online before I waited for 50 cajillion hours – so I walked past the people through the door to ask somebody only to be stopped by a cop telling me I had to wait in line just to get the information! What the heck! I just justified this by knowing that no matter who you are or what your business is, if you come to the DMV, you automatically have to wait in some type of line. So I waited 7 or 8 minutes in line just to get my information. Some guy in front of me starts talking to me…oh gosh! He asked me what I did, so I told him and then he goes, “I’m an electrical engineer – I need marketing ideas on real estate, how can we connect the market to the clients?!” I looked at him blankely…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! “I’m sorry, did I say I was a secretary…I must have said real estate agent!” I almost said something mean, but it was his turn at the counter by then. After him, its my turn – so I take my infamous number and sit down among the other 3,000 people already in front of me. I look around and start observing.

Observation #1: Diversity. I noticed there is never two people of the same race in the same row. Everyone is different. I thought, how can there possibly be this many countries represented here? It’s like the DMV recruits cultures. “oh look Bob, we’re running low on white people, better call some up and tell them to come in and sit the 8-4 shift!” Honestly, I felt like people were just sitting to sit. I passed over a dozen or so people at least who had gotten there before me! Oh and the smell is definitely an acquired scent. It smells like a departure gate going to Germany in an International airport.

Observation #2: Who came up with the structure and organization of this place?! The number on your ticket has a letter and then a 3 digit number. Mine was C318. They have 9 service counters and each one has a digital screen above it displaying the number its serving at that time. Well it’s all wrong! The counters are numbered left to right from 1 to 9. Excuse me…which direction does our country read? Right to left, THANK YOU!” Then it’s like their calling random numbers! The automatic lady voice sounds like this: “Now serving B386 at window number 3….Now serving A973 at window number 1…Now serving Z231 at window number 7.” How confusing is that!? It gives the poor people who have been waiting for hours nothing to be hopeful about cause they’ll never know when their number will be called, if it is even called at all! One guy missed his number. So he had to go back and get another one and wait all over again. The voice started calling a whole bunch of C numbers – I heard C313, C314, C315, C316.... I was so excited cause I thought “Just 2 away, I’m only 2 away.” Then I was shattered and my whole world collapsed when they started calling L numbers. HOW MANY NUMBERS DO YOU NEED?! Just give out the tickets in order - when you get to 100, start over…its as simple as that! They WANT to make it complicated, I think it’s a genuine need of the DMV.

Observation #3: No one looks around. Everyone’s eyes are glued to the front digital sign displaying the new number. But you see people’s eyes circulating like crazy! You can tell when people are using their peripheral vision – it’s so apparent what their thinking too. Things like, “Why the heck did that guy sit down next to me!” “I’m going to set the building on fire,” and “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” All internal things.

Observation #4: There’s no happy people. No one is smiling because everyone would rather be picking up road kill off the streets than waiting at the DMV. It’s like there’s signs all over the walls that reads “Think evil thoughts!” The only happy people are the overly-excited 16 year olds who are there to get their drivers licenses. Sitting there, I looked over at the computer screen area where the kids were taking their driving test and these kids were so freaking funny! You could tell they were so excited, but trying to be cool at the same time…answering every question with the look on their face that said, “I’m so cool I can drive now and that question was sooooooo easy!” And you can tell who their parents are, cause they’re the ones sitting down with that anxious look and you know what they’re thinking: “Come on Billy, don’t screw this up, I’m tired of draggin your butt around everywhere you wanna go!” The laughter comes when they pass that stupid pointless 10 question test and finally get to see their new license picture. “YES! I can drive one other person in my car till I’m 18!!! (or whatever those strict driving laws are now for new drivers!)

Forty-five minutes later, C318 was finally called – I changed my registration and got a new drivers license. I must say I was a fan of my new picture! And also I was kind of glad I had to get a horizontal license instead of the “under-21” vertical one. The second I got my new license, I took a quick look, and booked it out of there like I was finishing a marathon! I raced through the doors hearing the Chariots of Fire theme song and felt free as I was finally able to get some fresh air!

Happy that I made it out of there keeping my sanity, I drove away thinking about the book I should write, If I Ruled the World. It would be a book about all things that suck that would be better if they followed my way. ”The New DMV” would be one of the chapters!